Real Love ~ Greg Baer

Real Love is a technique taught by Greg Baer, that shows us how we unconsciously use “Getting and protecting Behavior” like lying, acting like victims, clinging, attacking, running, to get what he calls “imitation love”. Read up some more on Unconditional Loving in the Teachings/Living section.

His book  Real Love is highly recommended. It has changed the lives of many.

Here is a piece from Greg’s website that will help you get a taste of what “Real Love” is:

What is Real Love? (This is a small excerpt from the website, please click on the question to read the rest.)

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.

If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love , and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides.

Getting and Protecting Behaviors:

When we lack sufficient Real Love, we feel empty and afraid, conditions that are unbearably painful. In order to eliminate our emptiness, we use Getting Behaviors to fill ourselves with Imitation Love.

The Getting Behaviors include:

  • Lying. Although it’s usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise) and often the other forms of Imitation Love as well.
  • Attacking. We’re attacking people when we use any behavior designed to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on. When we attack people, we feel stronger. We feel a sense of power, which temporarily can be quite satisfying in the absence of Real Love.
  • We’re Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we’re using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.
  • Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, “Do you really have to go now?” you’re clinging to him or her for more attention.

In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:

  • Lying. From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.
  • Attacking. Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.
  • Acting like victims. When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, “It’s not my fault.”
  • Running. One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.



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Real Love by Greg Baer

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