Living Unbound

Tag: self inquiry

  • Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)

    Dealing Rationally With Feeling Upset.

    Many people wrongly believe that other people or situations make them upset.  The reality is that it is not your situation, but your thinking about the situation that primarily makes you feel the way you do.  If situations really caused feelings then everyone would have the same feelings about the same situations, but different people often react very differently to the same situation. For example if two different people are called an unpleasant name, one of them might feel sad while the other might feel angry.  The real trick to maintaining emotional stability is figuring-out which thoughts get you upset, and then dealing with those thoughts effectively.  Fortunately, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy makes this as simple as A-B-C-D-E!

    To do it, let’s break a situation down into 5 parts.  The easiest way is to make a list of the situation, thoughts and feeling(s).  It can look like this:

    Activating event/situationBeliefs that are irrationalConsequence – emotionsDisputing the irrational beliefsEffective new beliefs

    So, what goes into each box?

    “A” is the “activating event,” in other words the situation over which you are making yourself upset.  You can put that situation as well as most of your thoughts about it in the first column.  As in our example, let’s say someone calls you a name.

    “B” stands for “beliefs.”  There are some very specific thoughts that cause a person to become upset.  These are called irrational beliefs because, although they might seem like it at the time, they are not very realistic.  There are four basic irrational beliefs.  The first is to demand that something has to go the way you want it to go.  People often use such words as “should,” “should not,” or “ought to” when holding this belief.  Anytime you use the word “must,” or can use it in place of those words, you are likely insisting that something has to go your way.  The other thoughts that cause trouble include believing that it is horrible when things do not go the way you insist they must, the belief that you cannot stand it when such things happen and finally blaming either another person, yourself or the world because things did not happen the way you insist they should have.  All four of these beliefs will not apply to every situation, but they can.

    “C” is the “consequence” of your thinking, which will be a feeling.  In this situation let’s say you react with anger.  Of course different thoughts about the same situation would lead a person to feel other ways, depressed for example, but it is the thinking that primarily determines this response.

    “D,” or disputing, is asking yourself some questions about your beliefs to determine if they are realistic.  For example, is it realistic that just because you want something to go a particular way that it truly has to go your way?  Where is it written that things “have” to go the way you want them to go?  What is the effect of holding on to this belief?  Is it “really” true that it is awful (as bad as something can possibly be) when things don’t go your way?  As bad as it is didn’t you stand it, proving that you can?  Are you, the other person or the world “totally” bad for doing what you/she/it did or are there are also some redeeming qualities?

    “E” represents “effective new thinking,” in other words looking at the situation in a new way.  This should be very realistic.  After all, how could you feel any different about the situation if there remained any doubt that you are being honest with yourself in looking at it differently?  The reality is that nothing has to go the way you want it to go.  You certainly have your preferences, but it is not the worst thing in the world when they are not fulfilled.  You have no doubt withstood multiple situations in which things did not go the way you desired and it hasn’t killed you yet and, in all likelihood, you will withstand this situation as well.  Whoever (including yourself) did not live-up to your expectations is not a totally bad person; but is rather someone who, while fallible, has some good qualities as well.

    The way this works in real life is once you realize you are upset, get away from the situation to the extent necessary to allow yourself the opportunity to calm down enough to think about what just happened.  It is best to put it on paper in order to keep everything clear.

    Using our example above, you would start by identifying the A, B and C as outlined below.  It is often easiest to begin with the C (feeling) column, and then do the A column before moving on to do the B column.

    Activating eventBeliefs     (4 of them)Consequence
    1. The situation – Someone called me a bad name.1. People must respect me1. Anger
    2.  It is horrible to be disrespected.
    2.  Most thoughts about that can also go here, such as: A) That was just rude, and B) I’d like to tell that person off.3. I can’t stand it when I am treated that way
    4.  This person is a *#!@ (really bad person) for treating me that way.

    Once you have outlined the situation, it is time to begin questioning your beliefs and thinking about more rational ways to think about the situation.

    BeliefsDisputes (Question your beliefs)Effective new beliefs
    1. People must respect meA.  Does anyone really HAVE to respect me?

    B.  Where is there any evidence that people MUST respect me?

    C.  What is the effect of holding this irrational belief?

    		1.  Just because I want them to, there is no reason that anyone really HAS TO respect me.
    2.  It is horrible to be disrespected.A.  How bad is this situation on a scale from 0-100?

    B.  What situation would be worse than this (e.g. being tortured)?

    C.  What would make this situation even worse?

    D.  Re-evaluate, really how bad is being disrespected?

    		2.  I don’t like this situation a bit, but there are things that are certainly much worse.
    3. I cannot stand it when I am treated that way.A.  Isn’t it true that I really CAN stand it?  (Especially since I already did)!

    B.  Would I be willing to stand an even worse situation for $ 1-million?

    		3.  As much as I don’t like being disrespected, I only make myself more upset by saying that I cannot stand it — because I really can!
    4.  This person is a *#!@ for treating me that way.A.  Who is perfect?
    B.  What sense does it make to expect this person to act just as I want them to?    		4.  This person is not totally bad.  In fact, this person (like everyone else) is a fallible human being who also has some good traits (you will find some if you look for them).

    Imagine what it would feel like to go from saying the thoughts listed in column B to saying the thoughts listed in column E.  Really, stop for a moment, and try it.  Then ask yourself if there is anything in column E that is not true. You will find that you are actually thinking more rationally to hold the thoughts listed in the E column and, because that will improve the way you feel, it will certainly give you the ability to better handle whatever the A is much more effectively.

    While it is possible that there can be more than one “must” over which you can be upset in the same situation, this same process can be used with each of them.  Listing your thoughts on paper as demonstrated above can help keep them all straight.  While you will also have thoughts that do not fit into the B column (they can go in the A column) it is most important to deal with the beliefs that are listed in the B column first.  You can use many of the same disputing questions on those in the A column if you still feel a need to do so after you get done disputing those in the B column.

    It is important to know that we have thinking habits as surely as we have habits of behavior.  It will take work to overcome the old conditioned thinking habits like the ones you have listed in the B column.  If you continue examining your old irrational beliefs and applying your new beliefs in real world situations you will get to the point where the new thinking and the improved ways of feeling becomes automatic for you.

    More information on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and its progenitor, Dr. Albert Ellis, can be found at www.rebt.org

    ~ Contributed by Richard Applegate.
    Richard holds a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and is certified as a supervisor in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, the principles on which this article is based, by the Albert Ellis Institute.

  • Quotes By Yogani

    “I reach for a piece of wood. It turns into a lute.
    I do some meanness. It turns out helpful.
    I say one must not travel during the holy month.
    Then I start out, and wonderful things happen.” ~Rumi

    Like that, if we meditate and keep dancing, we will find our way. That is where our responsibility lies. Divine life is filled with paradox, and ever opening. Better not to second-guess it too much … though that too is part of it.

    The guru is in you.

    ~Yogani


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    Ego is just a concept, a word to describe consciousness identified with the objects of perception. Or, as the Buddhists say, “attached” to the objects of perception. The mind itself will not become dead until we are dead. It goes from being a tool of identified self (small “s”) to being a tool of unidentified Self (big “S”). What becomes dead in this life is identification of our awareness as self with all that appears in time and space. That is not death of the mind, or even of the “I thought” we call ego. We just come to know it for what it is, through the increasing presence of abiding inner silence (witness) cultivated in spiritual practices. It is the illumination of the mind in a divine outpouring, which then can awaken the unending joy of Oneness in time and space. It is the same thing that has been talked about by the sages of old, and modern ones too. It is the same experience. Only the words describing it may be a little different.

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    From the perspective of the individual, thoughts are only omnipresent when consciously released in omnipresent abiding inner silence, which is cultivated through deep meditation. Before that, thoughts are only objects of perception with which we are identified locally. It is the samyama effect (release in stillness) that enables thought to become omnipresent, and therefore infinite in speed.

    Before the samyama effect, a thought is like a picture. After the samyama effect, a thought is the thing itself, and far more influential via the infinite creative energy of divine outpouring that occurs when the mind is surrendered in stillness.

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    Sri Yantra By Yogani. For more of these look here

    Kundalini awakening is a partnership between ourselves and the divine. Have you taken ownership of your role in this partnership, or do you consider yourself to be a victim in it?

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    “Uncertainty” is an interpretation of the flow of life, isn’t it? A “story.” This raises the question: Are we navigating a sea of uncertainty, or a sea of ecstatic bliss? It all depends on our point of view, and that depends on our relationship in stillness with the flow of life. Uncertainty is actually quite certain, isn’t it? Why argue with it? It can be very tiring. Much easier to go with it. We have plenty of choices as we move through — unlimited possibilities for uplifting the whole thing.

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    This is the process of purification and opening, which we gradually learn to surrender to. With self-pacing of practices in play to keep things on an even keel.


    First it is only about us. Then it becomes a partnership between us and the process of awakening. Finally, there is only the awakening, and the divine outpouring.

    Fear evaporates along the way … what remains is stillness in action.

    The guru is in you.

    **********


    Anyway, I generally don’t say “I am THAT.” I say “We are That.” There is a difference. One separates us, and the other brings us together.

    What else do I have to say about it? Not much. Better to meditate daily and find out for yourself what THAT is. You will see there is nothing to fear. Who fears freedom anymore, having tasted even a little of it?

    Until there is abiding inner silence, these kinds of discussions are mostly mind games — building castles in the air. Not that we should not have them. But we should know them for what they are — scenery that cannot enlighten us. Only effective practices can do that.

    So practice wisely, and enjoy!

    The guru is in you.


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    ~By Yogani*

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    But, you know, after it is all said and done, it boils down to the one question that has no answer: Who or what am I?

    No answer? But aren’t we pure bliss consciousness, the One, the Void, the Tao, and all of that? Surely this is the answer. But that isn’t the answer really. That is a structure in the mind, a concept. Not the thing itself. The who or what we are is not of the mind. It is beyond the mind. It is the infinite sea that mind is swimming in, which the mind is constantly trying to make into a solid concept. Trying to make solid what is fluid, invisible and without attributes. The mind is the proverbial fish that cannot see the water it is swimming in.

    While there can be no answer to the question “Who or what am I?” we can realize we are that, become that, simply by letting go of the need to know. As soon as we surrender the heart and the mind, we are unadulterated That. This is not an answer. It is a condition. A non-experience of the AM-ness underlying the inner and outer din of our lives. We can only talk about it in a removed way.

    Then, somehow, magically, mysteriously, this AM-ness is able to move within and through us, and express on this earth plane, as Love. We may ask, “How does this happen?” There is no answer to this question either. We can set up the conditions for it to happen through daily spiritual practice, but we cannot say how it happens, or why it is. It is beyond the rational mind. That is why we call it “Divine,” which explains everything, and nothing. We can have faith in what is, even if we cannot explain it. It has always been this way with human beings. When we don’t know, we call it “God,” or something that depicts the unknown, and our reverence for it. In time, we recognize that these too are concepts we transcend when we become the reality which they attempt to describe.

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    Revenge is not self-defense. It is aggression, and will lead to complications.

    It is aggression, and will lead to complications. It all depends on our spiritual condition. We will act as we must, according to our awareness. The trick is to expand our awareness, which will elevate all of our actions to a higher level of morality.

    In truth, no one is injured, for ultimately we are beyond events occurring in time and space. We are pure bliss consciousness. As we advance in practices and on our path, we find this as direct experience, and act accordingly.

    On the other hand, current perception is 100% of our reality, and we must live from where we are. In that case, some common sense can help keep us out of the ditch – paying attention to the basic precepts of yama (restraints) and niyama (observances), and to the laws of the land wherever we are living. It is certain that acting with personal intent to injure others will injure us, just as breaking the law of the land will lead to unwanted consequences in life. So it makes sense to keep this in mind.

    If someone is harming you, it is reasonable to protect yourself, and take steps to prevent repeat injury from the same source in the future. However, it is not in your best interest to attempt to injure the other for revenge. That kind of “justice” is fleeting, and will only lead to further cycles of injury to you and others.

    Prudent self-defense and forgiveness make good partners. “I love you and forgive you, but will not permit you to do that” is the way to handle those who are prone to inflict injury on others. It may mean exiting a relationship altogether, with no hard feelings. Actions performed on that basis are not personal. They are divine flow. But we may find anger mixed in, so it is good to pause to consider the consequences of our actions before moving ahead.

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    *He had drawn this as a bookmark to indicate something in a book he send me. I think it is cute… so thought I’d share it. :) -Shweta

    Resources:

    The above quotes are taken from lessons posted by Yogani at the Advanced Yoga Practices Site and replies he has posted in the AYP forums.

  • Samyama and Self Inquiry

    We looked at how Samyama works in the lesson “The Workings Of Samyama“.  Please review that lesson prior to moving ahead with this one.  This is a slightly more advanced technique and will be helpful to those of us who have experienced some degree of inner silence and have practiced the core Samyama practice for a bit, or any other practice that works with inner silence and letting go.

    As we get past the mechanical phase of samyama, and we begin to get familiar with the two main components of samyama, the  letting go of a thought/word into stillness and the outward movement of the stillness that happens during the practice of samyama, then we can begin to apply the technique of samyama to many of our other practices. One such application is samyama and self inquiry.

    Self Inquiry:

    It does not matter what kind of self-inquiry we practice; what is important is that we practice self-inquiry, when inner intuition lets us know we are ready to do so. The reason for this is very simple, yet very fundamental, and it is one that can shave years off our journey to Living Unbound in reality. The reason that practicing self-inquiry is important is that while our daily sitting practices (meditation, breathing) clear out the neuro-physiological issues which keep the ideas of our non-wholeness and separation in place,  there is limited benefit to this facet of daily practice, alone. Why? Because while we’re making positive changes in terms of our neuro-physiology, we’re undoing those changes by re-creating those very same issues, via our conditioned thinking and behavior in our day-to-day lives.

    There is a saying: “Sewing with one hand, while unstitching with the other”. This saying refers to this dynamic that we’re discussing here (benefiting ourselves with daily practices, undoing those benefits with our thoughts and behaviors in daily life). How does this work? Very simply: the ego-centric body-mind stores impressions (memories) of events, based on the magnitude of association with either pleasure or pain. Daily practices help to undo the conditioning of a lifetime in this regard. However, we tend to operate from this limitation-based conditioning during the rest of our daily life (meaning: we react to people and situations with the same kinds of conditioned evaluations, in general, that we have, over most of our lives, based on our personality, culture, family of origin, and so on). We tend to do this less and less as the momentum of daily practices hits exponential levels, but this dynamic (sewing with one hand while unstitching with the other) is still present, and still delays our experience of Living Unbound, in reality, especially in the earlier phases of our daily practices. Which is where this lesson comes in.

    And where self-inquiry comes in. Self-inquiry helps us to both identify and release the erroneous views which block our awareness of our inherent wholeness and unity, thereby supporting and augmenting the clearing that we do in our daily practices. There are many of us who, unfortunately, meditate for ten or twenty years, only to find that our lives are plagued by some of the same erroneous view which plagued us when we started. There’s no reason for this; sitting practices can take us to Living Unbound in reality, in a fairly short period of time, if we allow them to do so. One of the most powerful ways we can allow them to do so, is to practice self-inquiry in our daily lives.

    And so, again, it does not matter what kind of self-inquiry we practice; it can be The Living Unbound style of identifying mind stories and letting go, or  Byron Katie’s style of asking four questions and letting go or the advaitic way of asking “who am I” and letting go, but adding some self-inquiry to our lives along with meditation, will help us experience the joys of Living Unbound that much more quickly.

    Samyama and Self Inquiry:

    And so, let’s take a look at how we can combine the practice of samyama with the practice of self-inquiry.

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    Living Unbound:  Identifying mind stories: As we go about our day, and we feel a moment of discomfort, we identify the mind story (see Living Unbound: Identifying Mind Stories) that is causing the discomfort, and we drop the story into stillness, exactly as we do with the other samyama sutras in our daily practices (the only difference being: with inquiry-samyama, we’re not sitting in meditation, but going about our day, and we’re doing the samyama with a reaction, rather than with a proactive intention; other than that, though, the mechanics of the practice are essentially identical).  We do it again and again as a given reaction comes up naturally. We do not keep the story or the emotion in place just so we can practice this technique, but when the emotion or the story comes up organically, we see it  and we drop it into the stillness. So we don’t make the emotion stronger by thinking about it, we just bring it up and before the mind can grab it and make it a full-fledged story, we drop it into stillness. 

    Why?

    Because releasing into silence puts us in touch with our inner stillness, beyond the reflections and reactions of surface thinking. We suddenly have “broadband access” to our deepest levels of will and awareness, if only we will stay out of our own way by allowing our awareness to rest in silence, after we have released the thought or feeling, using the samyama technique. This can be difficult at first, but with practice and faith (trusting the process and the answers that come up from this stillness) it gets easier and more natural.

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    Byron Katie’s Work: We ask the question, “Is it true?” and drop it into stillness. We don’t try to find an answer. We let the stillness give us the answer. Many times, thinking mind will not know what the answer is, or it will try to generate a reactive answer, but there will be an inner, intuitive knowing, regarding the solution. When this technique works, the 4 questions really become just 1 question. “Is it true?”, and instead of  “how would I feel if I did not have this thought” and “Can I turn it around”, you just drop it on the inside, and let the sea of inner silence and wisdom provide the answer as and when it does. This takes some faith in the beginning, but soon enough, it becomes an inherent part of our conscious living, and eventually, of Living Unbound in reality.

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    Advaitic Technique: This is a sitting practice and is to be done along with the core samyama practice. This has been explained beautifully in Yogani’s lesson  Adding Self-Inquiry to Core Samyama Practice: “In addition to the 9 words/sutras Love, Radiance, Unity, Health, Strength, Abundance, Wisdom, Inner Sensuality, Akasha – Lightness of Air, we add a new sutra –  “I-thought – Who am I?”.  The procedure is the same. We pick each word/sutra and let it go in stillness for 15 seconds. We do this twice with each word/sutra. At the end of the 9 sutras we pick the words/sutra “I-thought – Who am I?” and drop it into stillness for 15 sec then pick it up again, and drop it into stillness”.

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    This Samyama-Self Inquiry variation involves picking up a question, problem, an emotion, a feeling, or a thought that may be bothering us and releasing it into stillness. We pick it up  at a “fuzzy” level, before it becomes a concrete thought/feeling and before the reactions of thinking mind can grab the thought or feeling, and make a story out of it,  or give it a logical answer. Then, as always, with samyama techniques, we release the thought or feeling into inner silence. At first the dropping can be by just stopping the thought and being in the stillness of non-thinking, even if it just for a few seconds.  As we continue with this practice, the process will become more organic, wherein we will pick up the thought/emotion and let the stillness dissolve it. In the process, and sometimes later, at a different point in our day, answers will arise from that same inner stillness. We have all experienced this  experience of answers arising from stillness at some time or the other in out lives. It’s called intuition, those times when we have known the answer to something from within; knowing that we know, without knowing how we know. This is our inner stillness, the depths of our consciousness, speaking to us. By doing self inquiry samyama style, we are tapping into the our stillness, where intuition arises, and hence taking self inquiry to a new level of knowing; true unitive knowing, beyond the limitations of thinking mind; the freedom beyond imagination that is actually, ever Living Unbound in reality.

    Related Lessons:

    Level1 Teachings:

    Level1 Techniques:

    Level 2  Teachings

    Level2 Techniques:

    Resources: